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Home > Archive by tag 'marriage'
Posts Tagged ‘marriage’
Thursday, January 28th, 2010
I was very impressed with President Obama’s State of the Union speech last night when he attempted to admonish both Democrats and Republicans on their abysmal record of getting anything accomplished for the American people due to bi-partisan pettiness. Our representatives in Congress are more concerned with being right than with working together for the American people. They are more concerned with re-election than they are with taking action. Their egos are all too often larger than their hearts.
I watched some very smug and arrogant expressions on the faces of the opposing party last night as the President spoke about putting aside personal vendettas and self-interests in favor of coming together for the benefit of the country. It reminds me of two people in a bad marriage who cannot get beyond their own egos and defensiveness to actually look at what might be at stake, what they might lose. Both parties are at fault. Neither is absolved of responsibility.
I suppose it is indigenous to politics. But as the President pointed out, and to which I wholly concur, now is not a time for politics as usual. There are incredible issues that must be addressed if we are to survive on this planet. It isn’t only limited to the economy or health care reform. It is about how globalization has leveled the playing field so that more and more people with new found middle class status demand more things that are depleting our natural resources as well as endangering our survival. It is time to set aside the small mindedness that has run politics.
Tags: abysmal record, congress, defensiveness, democrats and republicans, egos, expressions, faces, globalization, health care reform, hearts, marriage, natural resources, obama, personal vendettas, pettiness, self interests, stake, state of the union, survival, union speech
Posted in life-after-divorce-blog | 1 Comment »
Sunday, May 17th, 2009
I saw a play last week in NYC entitled, Next to Normal.  The story is about a woman who is bi-polar.  Her disease was set off by  the death of her 8 month old son. She was unable to accept his passing to the point that he actually was alive for her.  She saw and communicated with an 18 year old son who was not there.  She created her own reality that was a fantasy.  Ultimately it drove her mad.
Her psychiatrist made a comment that resonated for me:  If we cannot accept a loss, then we will live in the fear of that loss with dire consequences.  In the play, those consequences are of course taken to the extreme of severe mental illness and attempted suicide, but the point was clear:  non-acceptance of a loss and  the new reality that comes about as a result of that loss will cripple you and leave you unable to live your life.
It resonated for me because I see it everyday with people  who can’t accept the cold, hard fact that their marriage has ended and their reality has shifted.  They my be in denial or they simply cannot bring themselves to admit that their life has  dramatically changed forever. In the initial grieving period that follows a loss in life, this is a perfectly normal reaction.  The grieving period us marked by denial, depression, confusion and anger.  The problem arises when the grieving period does not end.
People who continue to resist reality, who cannot accept their new reality and can’t surrender to what is (versus what they think should be) Â remove themselves from life n all that life has to offer. Not only that, they carry the heavy burden of all the negative emotions that accompany the grieving period which leaves them unable to experience happiness or fulfillment.
That is the crux of divorce recovery: the acceptance of a new reality. Â That is what letting go means. Â One door closes but another one can open if you allow it. Â There are new possibilities available but only if you can accept the ending of what your life was. Â For life to go on, to be able to experience all of the opportunities that a new life has to offer, you must be in full acceptance of your new life. Â You cannot have a beginning without an ending.
Tags: anger, confusion, consequences, crux, denial, depression, Divorce Recovery, fantasy, fear, fulfillment, happiness, heavy burden, marriage, mental illness, nbsp, negative emotions, new reality, possibilities, psychiatrist, suicide
Posted in life-after-divorce-blog | 3 Comments »
Saturday, December 27th, 2008
I believe that New Year’s resolutions are unique and meaningful opportunities to commit to positive change in our lives. For those of you who are undergoing a divorce or are recently divorced, a deep commitment to create change that will move you forward into a new life is hopefully very compelling. What better time to promise yourself that you will do all you can to let go of the pain of the past and move into a future filled with possibility than a new year?
Resolutions must be extremely compelling to us personally in order for us to keep them. They must resonate on a deep level. They need to be truly important with a clear connection to our values and passions. That is why so many people fail in their resolutions…they just aren’t important enough to them.
What could be more compelling to a woman who is newly divorced than to resolve to heal herself and build a new life based on what she wants now? In order to determine what she wants, she needs to know herself, the self that is emerging from the end of her marriage, a phoenix rising from the ashes. The past is gone with no hold on your future self except the hold that you choose to erect. It really comes down to choice. You are blessed with free will, the will to choose how you want to live your life.
I took a wonderful yoga class this week that reminded me of how impactful the practice of mindfulness can be on our well-being. The instructor gave us many affirmations to recite, each corresponding to a different chakra. One of them really stood out for me because it seemed to apply to my clients in divorce recovery. It states: The process of purification dissolves who I am not and reveals who I am. If we substitute the word purification for self-discovery or divorce recovery, it clarifies exactly what divorce recovery is all about: finding out who we are now and creating a life that is based on that person.
We dissolve the mind chatter that attempts to sabotage our self-esteem and confidence, the mind chatter of our wounded ego and the pain that wants nothing more than to keep us stuck where we are after our divorce. We reveal the person behind that mind chatter, the person who we have always been meant to be. We dissolve or let go of what holds us back and venture into a new life filled with possibilities for our future.
Use your divorce and the New Year as opportunities to heal, let go, claim your power and a life that will fill you with joy, meaning and fulfillment. Resolve to move beyond your perspective of pain and doubt and to remove anything that is standing in the way of your happiness. Resolve to do the work of divorce recovery.
Tags: affirmations, better time, creating a life, Divorce Recovery, future self, marriage, meaningful opportunities, mind chatter, new year, new year resolutions, passions, phoenix rising from the ashes, rising from the ashes, self discovery, yoga class
Posted in life-after-divorce-blog | 2 Comments »
Sunday, August 24th, 2008
It is so easy to have selective recall when it comes to our marriages after our divorces. We are lonely, our married friends seem to disappear and we seem adrift in a foreign land. We start to think that perhaps our marriage wasn’t so bad after all. We think perhaps it was better being married than being alone.
It’s almost akin to a person losing their mate to death. The mate wasn’t exactly the greatest guy on earth, indeed on many fronts he was downright lousy and much of their life together, the wife was miserable. Nonetheless, her memory becomes highly selective and she talks about much she misses him and all the wonderful things about him. She fails to remember what their life together was really like.
Guess what? There are lots of women out there in marriages that are are lonely and unhappy. They live with someone and that’s about it. They co-habitat. They have the burden of living nearly separate lives under the same roof. Add to that the constant stress and tension of their not-so-great marriage and you will find someone who may have resembled you back then.
Think long and hard about how your marriage really was, the truth. All too often, not only do we have selective recall of the good times, we also come to rationalize our marriage via our personal interpretations. We forget or we are in denial about how bad things really were. We minimize the fights, the stress, the pressure, the lack of communication, the loss of self-esteem, the tears and the loneliness. Our fear of the present seems to cause our brain to re-wire itself.
I know that it is hard, I’ve been there and I still go there. I think in many cases that it is just the being married part that we miss, not our ex. We miss our Saturday nights with friends, the shared carpooling and chores, the extended families and the holidays as a family. But if we are really honest with ourselves, we don’t miss our ex per se. I know this isn’t true for everyone but it is true for many of us.
It is really important to be totally honest with ourselves and ensure that our memories reveal all the facts. We need to guard ourselves into deluding ourselves, of remembering something that just wasn’t true. Life is hard for everyone and life is great for everyone. Being married does not necessarily spell happiness. We know that better than anyone.
Tags: brain, carpooling, chores, denial, divorces, fear, good times, holidays, lack of communication, loneliness, marriage, mate, personal interpretations, saturday nights, selective recall, self esteem, separate lives, stress, tension, wonderful things
Posted in life-after-divorce-blog | No Comments »
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