In divorce recovery as well as any other major loss in life, acceptance is the most important step we must take. By acceptance I mean the acceptance of your reality as it exists for you right now: what is and not what we think should or could be. Acceptance means being grounded in reality with the release of blame, resentment and regret. The ability to let go of those negative emotions is true acceptance and gives you the freedom to move forward.
A couple of recent occurences in my life have reinforced this concept. I recently received an e-mail from a cousin of mine who has been terribly sick with cancer this past year. Really sick, near death far too many times. She had a bone marrow transplant. This is a woman who also experienced divorce when her two kids were young and has aised her chlldren on her own.
For those of you having trouble accepting your reality, I want to share this with you:
“Hi Shelley-
How are you doing? How are the kids?
I am recovering – still. Unfortunately, I have Graft vs. Host disease. The disease basically means that the transplant is not working right now. The host (me) and the donor (graft) immune systems are battling and hopefully my donor’s immune system will win. I am also suffering from severe osteoporosis. I have been left with a deformed spine, 7 fractured vertebrae which has led to quite a bit of nausea. Because my torso is now deformed to accommodate my new structure, I have trouble processing and digesting food. Let’s see, I have lost a lot of my sense and smell, I have an inoperable hernia. It is inoperable because there is a high risk for infection, so no surgery is allowed. I wear a spine brace and I am in a lot of pain. My physical demeanor is that of an elderly person. (Note: she is only in her early 50’s)
BUT on the flip side I am above ground and I do appreciate life. I have a big support system. I have good medical care and my friends and family are the best. I just want to get on with my life and stop being a patient.
My girls have been awesome through my whole ordeal, their compassionate character makes me proud. My best friend and caregiver is without a doubt, an angel sent from heaven. We live together and he is my shadow. He has been caring for me physically and emotionally and I am very grateful. Of course, without my mother’s help, I wouldn’t be here. So, there are many things to be grateful for, it is just hard to be me right now.”
It is simply mind-boggling to me that she can be talking about gratitude given her life situation!! She could be stuck in anger, depression or victmhood but I heard nothing of that in her e-mail. Her life has taken a terrible turn and she has accepted her fate. Of course, she has depession…who wouldnt given the cicumstances. Yet I hear someone who has acknowledged her reality and who wants to live the rest of her days with love, compassion and gratitude for what she does have… or in her own words, ” I am above the ground.”
Next up, Melissa Stockwell. I saw an interview on television with this Iraqi vet who lost a leg in the war. She has gone on to compete in the para-olympics in Bejing where she set a recod in swimming. Despite the challenges of adjusting to life with one leg, she has taken on one physical challenge after another, proving again and again that she can still be a formidable athlete.
And she does not waste time with regrets or dwelling on the past.She was very clear in the interview I saw that there was no way she would waste a moment in blame or resetnment or a yearning for what was. She let it go.
“When I signed up, I knew I was taking a chance,” she said. “I’m proud of how I lost my leg. I was proud to wear the uniform. IÂ still am. I’ve done more with one leg than I ever did with two,” she said. “I have bigger dreams than I ever would have had with two legs. I don’t know if things are meant to happen, but I’m very happy.”
These two women humble me. They make me think about all that I have to be grateful for and how my attitude will dicate the quality of my life.
