No one knows what goes on inside someone else’s home.  But what comes up for me in this instance of the Tiger woods episode is Elin Woods.  On the surface here is a gorgeous, young woman who is the Mother of his children.  He obviously wasn’t looking for a younger, prettier model as Elin is just that.  Tiger’s words alone offer a glimpse into the crux of the matter: I have transgressed.  It would appear that Tiger has some big-time issues on sexual activity and loyalty.  He has to examine himself deeply and come to understand himself better.

As I said, we don’t know what goes on in their relationship. A relationship is two peopole and both have to claim responsibility for their part.  But I hope that Elin is not beating herself up too much by creating all sorts of meanings about herself because her husband cheated. His cheating is his issue. Their relationship is their issue.

I have clients whose mates have cheated on them and they end up feeling like a failure, a reject, ugly, stupid…you name it.  In so many of these cases, if you peal back the layers of the onions, the cheating is less about the betrayed than the betrayer and the relationship.  Tiger’s cheating does not mean that Elin is a reject or a failure. It means that Tiger cheated. Sometimes a table is  table and nothing more.  Why he cheated is another issue and one that the two of them need to work out obviously.

I say this in the hopes that if you too have experienced  a philandering spouse, watch that you don’t make it mean too much about yourself.  Separate out the facts from the meanings you create about the facts.  How you feel today, when the pain is fresh, is not how you will feel in the future.

A couple of recent occurences in my life have reinforced this concept.  I recently received an e-mail from a cousin of mine who has been terribly sick with cancer this past year. Really sick, near death far too many times. She had a bone marrow transplant. This is a woman who also experienced divorce when her two kids were young and has aised her chlldren on her own.

For those of you having trouble accepting your reality, I want to share this with you:

“Hi Shelley-
How are you doing?  How are the kids?
I am recovering – still. Unfortunately, I have Graft vs. Host disease. The disease basically means that the transplant is not working right now. The host (me) and the donor (graft) immune systems are battling and hopefully my donor’s immune system will win. I am also suffering from severe osteoporosis. I have been left with a deformed spine, 7 fractured vertebrae which has led to quite a bit of nausea. Because my torso is now deformed to accommodate my new structure, I have trouble processing and digesting food. Let’s see, I have lost a lot of my sense and smell, I have an inoperable hernia. It is inoperable because there is a high risk for infection, so no surgery is allowed. I wear a spine brace and I am in a lot of pain. My physical demeanor is that of an elderly person. (Note: she is only in her early 50′s)

BUT on the flip side I am above ground and I do appreciate life. I have a big support system. I have good medical care and  my friends and family are the best. I just want to get on with my life and stop being a patient.

My girls have been awesome through my whole ordeal, their  compassionate character makes me proud. My best friend and caregiver is without a doubt, an angel sent from heaven. We live together and he is my shadow. He has been caring for me physically and emotionally and I am very grateful. Of course, without my mother’s help, I wouldn’t be here. So, there are many things to be grateful for, it is just hard to be me right now.”

It is simply mind-boggling to me that she can be talking about gratitude given her life situation!!  She could be stuck in anger, depression or victmhood but I heard nothing of that in her e-mail.  Her life has taken a terrible turn and she has accepted her fate.  Of course, she has depession…who wouldnt given the cicumstances. Yet I hear someone who has acknowledged her reality and who wants to live the rest of her days with love, compassion and gratitude for what she does have… or in her own words, ” I am above the ground.”

Next up, Melissa Stockwell.  I saw an interview on television with this Iraqi vet who lost a leg in the war.  She has gone on to compete in the para-olympics in Bejing where she set  a recod in swimming.  Despite the challenges of adjusting to life with one leg, she has taken on one physical challenge after another, proving again and again that she can still be a formidable athlete.

And she does not waste time with regrets or dwelling on the past.She was very clear in the interview I saw that there was no way she would waste a moment in blame or resetnment or a yearning for what was. She let it go.

“When I signed up, I knew I was taking a chance,” she said. “I’m proud of how I lost my leg. I was proud to wear the uniform. I  still am. I’ve done more with one leg than I ever did with two,” she said. “I have bigger dreams than I ever would have had with two legs. I don’t know if things are meant to happen, but I’m very happy.”

These two women humble me.  They make me think about all that I have to be grateful for and how my attitude will dicate the quality of my life.

Resolutions must be extremely compelling to us personally in order for us to keep them. They must resonate on a deep level.  They need to be truly important with a clear connection to our values and passions.  That is why so many people fail in their resolutions…they just aren’t important enough to them.

What could be more compelling to a woman who is newly divorced than to resolve to heal herself and build a new life based on what she wants now? In order to determine what she wants, she needs to know herself, the self that is emerging from the end of her marriage, a phoenix rising from the ashes.  The past is gone with no hold on your future self except the hold that you choose to erect.  It really comes down to choice.  You are blessed with free will, the will to choose how you want to live your life.

I took a wonderful yoga class this week that reminded me of how impactful the practice of mindfulness can be on our well-being.  The instructor gave us many affirmations to recite, each corresponding to a different chakra.  One of them really stood out for me because it seemed to apply to my clients in divorce recovery.  It states:  The process of purification dissolves who I am not and reveals who I am.  If we substitute the word purification for self-discovery or divorce recovery, it clarifies exactly what divorce recovery is all about:  finding out who we are now and creating a life that is based on that person.

We dissolve the mind chatter that attempts to sabotage our self-esteem and confidence, the mind chatter of our wounded ego and the pain that wants nothing more than to keep us stuck where we are after our divorce.  We reveal the person behind that mind chatter, the person who we have always been meant to be.  We dissolve or let go of what holds us back and venture into a new life filled with possibilities for our future.

Use your divorce and the New Year as opportunities to heal, let go, claim your power and a life that will fill you with joy, meaning and fulfillment.  Resolve to move beyond your perspective of pain and doubt and to remove anything that is standing in the way of your happiness. Resolve to do the work of divorce recovery.

Join us for this powerful Telclass that will allow you to let go of the pain of your divorce and move forward into your best possible life!  Learn the techniques that will give you the ability to heal your heart, let go of your toxic emotions and fears and create a life that offers you unlimited possibilities.

Starting on Thursday, September 18th and running for 8 consecutive  weeks (October 9th is a pass week) from 7:00pm to 9:00pm, this Teleclass will change your life.

Find out more…