As a Divorce Recovery Coach, all too often I hear tales of infidelity. More often than not, the spouse who has been betrayed makes it mean all sorts of terrible things about themselves. Their partner cheats and it becomes all about what is wrong with the betrayed partner: I obviously was not good enough, I am not lovable, he/she doesn’t really love me, I’m unworthy, I’m not attractive enough, I’m stupid…on and on and on. The fact is someone cheated and the betrayed makes up all kinds of meanings about that fact.
No one knows what goes on inside someone else’s home. But what comes up for me in this instance of the Tiger woods episode is Elin Woods. On the surface here is a gorgeous, young woman who is the Mother of his children. He obviously wasn’t looking for a younger, prettier model as Elin is just that. Tiger’s words alone offer a glimpse into the crux of the matter: I have transgressed. It would appear that Tiger has some big-time issues on sexual activity and loyalty. He has to examine himself deeply and come to understand himself better.
As I said, we don’t know what goes on in their relationship. A relationship is two peopole and both have to claim responsibility for their part. But I hope that Elin is not beating herself up too much by creating all sorts of meanings about herself because her husband cheated. His cheating is his issue. Their relationship is their issue.
I have clients whose mates have cheated on them and they end up feeling like a failure, a reject, ugly, stupid…you name it. In so many of these cases, if you peal back the layers of the onions, the cheating is less about the betrayed than the betrayer and the relationship. Tiger’s cheating does not mean that Elin is a reject or a failure. It means that Tiger cheated. Sometimes a table is table and nothing more. Why he cheated is another issue and one that the two of them need to work out obviously.
I say this in the hopes that if you too have experienced a philandering spouse, watch that you don’t make it mean too much about yourself. Separate out the facts from the meanings you create about the facts. How you feel today, when the pain is fresh, is not how you will feel in the future.
