Jitka Lom MD, Guam

If we cannot get along with our ex in some sort of civil fashion we suffer but so do the kids.  If we harbor ill feelings towards our ex it will naturally affect how we deal with one another.  Being angry causes us to want to make our former partner’s miserable in some way and there are all sorts of means to achieve that end.  We can make custody arrangements difficult, we can rail against our ex in front of the kids, we can use the kids as messengers because we refuse to communicate directly with our ex, we can drag our ex into court for any little infraction, we can be emotionally reactive, we can throw blame around, we can share information about our ex and their life that has no place in our children’s world,we can remain bitter and angry…all of which has a direct impact on our children.

If you notice, all of the above behaviors stem from the fact that we have not let go of the pain of our divorce and remain stuck in negative emotions.  All of these negative emotions serve as a role model for our children.  Is that the message and behavior you want to impart to them?  I doubt it.

Recently, I sent my two children, ages 20 and 16, an apology for anything that I might have done when I was going through a highly emotional stage right after my separation.  I want to share with you the following as it is so powerful:

Dear Kids:

Sometimes when we learn from  our experiences we need to go back and clean up any mess we may have made.   There were many things that i did in the past 5 years that were not in the best interests of you kids as far as the relationship between me and your Dad goes.  I shared too much information that was not for your ears and made too many decisions from a place of hurt and resentment.  For that I am sorry. I was emotionally reactive all too often and let my emotions take over my brain.

I  have learned a great deal and am striving to be a better person.  I have expressed to Dad that we must always do what’s best for you guys no matter how we feel. I just wanted you to know that.

Love, Mom

Here are their responses:

From my 20 year old son:

We are all have our regrets, but I think what you and Dad have done together for me and Sylvie is pretty amazing. Most people would be pretty astonished at how you two have worked together to make our lives better, and I thank you and love you for that. One love mon

From my daughter:

I read your  letter, do not worry about anything i love you and i know you love me and that’s all that matters.

Put aside your hurt, pain and resentment so you can be free of that heavy burden.  Do what you can to accomplish this goal because it is how you choose to handle this divorce that will the greatest impact on your kids and their future.

This is a quote from ‘Our Town’, a famous play by Thornton Wilder.  I saw a revival recently and remembered how I last enjoyed the play when I was 12 years old because my big brother was in his high school adaptation.

The line above is spoken by the character Emily after her death.  She has returned to the after-world after a visit to earth on a typical day when she was 12 years old.  She relived that day, albeit invisible, and was completely overwhelmed by the simple beauty of everyday moments of life.  She stands in the kitchen watching her Mother make breakfast and hurry her kids off to school and begs her Mother to, ” just take a moment and look at me Ma, really look at me.”  She notices how we human beings do not seem to appreciate the sheer wonder and beauty of life.  Now that she is dead, she sees how much she missed.

The funny thing is that what I thought I remembered wasn’t even in the play> I thought there was a scene where Emily felt the warmth of the sun and a cool breeze on her face and marveled at the pleasure of those sensations.  Perhaps that was my interpretation of the scene in the kitchen.  No matter. It all points to the same thing: we simply do not appreciate what we have. We have lost the wonder that we had as children.

Of course we aren’t kids anymore.  Life has handed us all sorts of challenges and trauma  that have had their effect upon us.  We know that life isn’t all a bowl of cherries. But have we allowed our life experiences to rob of us all that life is and all that life has gifted us?  Have we lost our capacity for gratitude?

I was walking the dogs yesterday on a glorious spring day with the the trees in full bloom and a crystal clear sky.  I got it.  I said a little thank you for the moment.  Took the time to appreciate the day day’s offering and was grateful.

Try it.

I watched some very smug and arrogant expressions on the faces of the opposing party last night as the President spoke about putting aside personal vendettas and self-interests in favor of coming together for the benefit of the country.  It reminds me of two people in a bad marriage who cannot get beyond their own egos and defensiveness to actually look at what might be at stake, what they might lose. Both parties are at fault.  Neither is absolved of responsibility.

I suppose it is indigenous to politics.  But as the President pointed out, and to which I wholly concur, now is not a time for politics as usual.  There are incredible issues that must be addressed if we are to survive on this planet.  It isn’t only limited to the economy or health care reform. It is about how globalization has leveled the playing field so that more and more people with new found middle class status demand more things that are depleting our natural resources as well as endangering our survival.  It is time to set aside the small mindedness that has run politics.

What if we married the person, possibly on a sub-conscious level, who would lead us to clean up all the adverse emotional baggage we have been carrying around all of our lives?  What if it takes this divorce to allow us to finally heal ourselves?  What if this divorce is the means to letting go of the psycho-babble that has kept us from being the person we were meant to be?

Let’s say that you married someone who resembles your Father or Mother on an emotional  and psychological basis. All the old stuff you went through in your childhood gets repeated and reactivated.  Say your Dad was overly negative. Now you are extremely sensitive to anything that smacks of criticism and of course your ex was critical of you.  Even when they weren’t being overtly critical, your buttons got pushed anyway.  Here’s what might be happening:  As kids, we make our parent’s behavior mean something negative about us.  If your Dad was negative, it wasn’t about him simply being a negative person. It was about you not being good enough.  There’s the emotional baggage: not being good enough. So we marry someone who will reinforce that belief of not being good enough.  When we don’t feel good enough, we over react emotionally and we do it over and over again.

That emotional baggage should have been attended to long ago but most of us aren’t even aware of it. Our divorce can reveal the stuff we’ve been carrying around for far too long and we now can clean it up once and for all. Divorce can and should move us to heal all the  old emotional baggage  that has stopped us from being the person we were meant to be. Could it be that we chose our spouse in order to finally do that healing?  Could it be that once we have taken the time and made the effort to heal we will finally live a happy life.

Could be.